Someone sent me a joke a few years ago. Like many jokes, it is based on truth. This joke is like this:
questionfrom
: Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?
Reply: from
They have a common enemy.
If you are fortunate not to know who is the common enemy, it is the middle generation: the grandson's parents. Although the popular image of a loved grandparent sways happy children on their knees while parents are watching, the relationship between grandparents, adult children and grandchildren may be full of tension, stress and conflict.
When the grandchildren enter the picture, any pre-existing tension between the parents and their adult children will play a role in the spade. As for children, they learned how to use this situation when they were very young. If their grandparents neglect the rules enforced by their mom and dad, the children will soon learn what to do. Just as children become geniuses of their mothers against their fathers when possible, they also learn to let their parents and grandparents compete.
Many years ago, I presented my first grandson to my parents, which led to a challenging power struggle between the three generations. Today, my own grandmother, I experienced this dynamic from the other side of the fence. I am keenly aware that a wrong move will allow me to enter the "grandparent's kennel."
My friends are also grandparents. I have seen more than one person stepping on their parents' toes into doo-doo. I also observed how smarter grandparents respond to this situation. As my friend Joan said, "I am sure I offended them [parents] far more than I wanted. Most of the time, I would consider my own things and not do anything they didn't do. ""
The way I look at it, today's young families are under tremendous pressure from many sources. This stress and overwhelming feeling can lead to health challenges, marital problems and even divorce.
As a grandparent, I may not be able to reduce this pressure - but I can avoid causing more stress. After all, if I love my grandson, then I have reason to believe that I want the best thing for them. It is difficult to see how disharmony in the family affects the best interests of the child.
The following grandparents' tips may pave the way for a smooth relationship.
Grandparents Tip #1: Avoid Competitive Grandparents
I meet a grandparent from time to time, and he sees the relationship between himself and his adult children as a relationship. The prizes for the competition are the love and affection of the grandchildren. The goal of the game is not only to gain the love of the grandson, but to prove that the grandson loves you more than the parents you love her. This is relatively easy to do because parents are the "bad cop" responsible for maintaining discipline and strengthening rules. Grandparents can easily slip into the role of "good police", "close their eyes, see what their parents will try to correct, or, worse, encourage them."
Competitive grandparents may also occur between the two groups of grandparents. Who will become the "A" team and who will become the "B" team? This kind of special competition often involves winning the gift. Although grandchildren may score very high on material matters, you also have to ask them about the life courses they have learned in this situation.
No matter which type of competing grandparents will increase family stress and tension. Although the temporary "winning the competition of grandparents" has short-term psychological rewards, it does not meet the best interests of grandchildren or anyone else. In the long run, there is no winner in this game.
Grandparents Tip #2: Remember that you have a turn
Remember, you have been raising your child, and now the torch is passed on to the younger generation. It is good to be sensitive to the milestones in your grandson's life, but avoid the need to deprive parents of the recognition of these milestones in their own way.
Many years ago, my kind parents took my older child to cut hair for the first time. My husband knew nothing about the plan until the contract was completed. To say that we are angry is an understatement. Not long ago, one of my friends did exactly the same thing as her first grandson. She [my friend] is both surprised and interesting, her daughter and son-in-law are very angry.
This may seem trivial - but it is the kind of thing that constitutes resentment. The child's first haircut is an important milestone. This is a decision and ritual that is reasonably belonged to the parents. Interested grandparents may ask if they can take a haircut, but most people will definitely not take things in their hands.
Haircuts are just one example of grandparents taking over the role of parenting without thinking. When my biggest grandson started school, I wanted to do something to commemorate this occasion. My first impulse was to buy a set of GIGANTIC artwork and school supplies and cute clothes on the first day of school. Fortunately, before I got my Visa card, I realized that buying school supplies and school clothes was a very important thing for my son and daughter, and I shouldn't hone. I bought a board game and books.
This brings me to the third tip:
Grandparents Tip #3: Think about it before you buy
When I was a young mother, my beloved grandparents gave my son a lot of cute clothes to serve the orphanage. Similarly, they purchased enough toys, games, bicycles and other items to keep the same orphanage inventory in the next few years.
Only one complete person will complain about receiving such a bounty, right? I have never expressed my ambivalence about all these gifts and judged that I am not happy. However, not long ago, a young mother confided to me that she and her circle of friends wanted grandparents to reduce endless children's wear, toys and games.
why? Several reasons. First, see Tip #2. It's your turn. Young parents want to shop for their children and pick their own cute outfits. Similarly, young parents want to decide how much they spend on taking care of their children's clothes. Most of them are reluctant to take care of cute and delicate fabrics that require special attention or worse dry cleaning. I still remember the beautiful and lovely costumes of red velvet and lace that my son received on his first birthday. Have you wore a lively 12-month-old boy wearing velvet and lace? If this is the case, you have a good understanding of this effect.
When buying a toy, consider the amount of storage space available and the trouble that the toy may create for mom and dad. I remember, I didn't like it very much. My eight-year-old son received a Christmas bakelite. Our home has wooden walls. Let your imagination roam.
Also, keep in mind that today's parents have their own ideas about the types of toys and activities they think are appropriate and safe.
Excessive gift purchases can be used for another reason in your grandparents' dog house. See Tip #1. You may build competition between your parents and grandparents. Grandparents may have more disposable income than younger families - this may create a situation where the child sees the grandparent as a gift giver of kindness, while the parents see it as defamation and detention. For grandparents, this may be a "feel good" thing, but it certainly does not help the harmony within the family.
So how do grandparents handle gift giving and shopping? It's all about communication and respect. Communicate with parents and invite them to comment on shopping decisions. Maybe paying for a swimming class, donating money to a savings plan, buying a membership in a children's museum, or making a personalized handmade gift would be a better way. On the other hand, maybe you will find your adult child happy to receive toys and clothes - in this case, go!
Orignal From: Grandparents - Three tips for leaving the grandparents' dog house
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